Hate Mail — June 23, 2015 at 15:10

Malaysian Hate Mail

As is the way of Monkeetime, every so often I say, write, or do something that others find extremely offensive to their gossamer sensibilities, and they proceed to freak out. More often than not, since I am completely right in my statements, these people end up sounding like the coneheads that they are, thus providing hours of amazing entertainment.  Usually, the fun is contained to Youtube, but occasionally it spills out onto Facebook.  Anyone with time to kill and wishing to read through the dozens of comments and Facebook posts will not be disappointed, as the net chimps really do write some amazing stuff. However, this latest wave has been nothing short of spectacular.

Unless you are new here, you probably have seen the Trolling Malaysia and The Naked Truth videos on youtube.  These were the result of a very simple and quite difficult to misunderstand post on Facebook, where I expressed my negative opinion of some government cunt in Malaysia who blamed the recent earthquake in Sabah on tourists who went streaking on a “holy mountain”.  That was quickly misinterpreted as a confirmation of my involvement, and within minutes the post went viral, with literally THOUSANDS of angry posts and messages clawing their way to Monkeetime’s little corner of the web.  The sheer stupidity was astonishing, and I, quite frankly, have never experienced anything of this magnitude in my 12 years of traveling and blogging.  I was accused of being one of the “naked tourists”, I was accused of causing the earthquake, I was called a murderer, a child molester, a thief, and a variety of other things. I was told HUNDREDS of times that I am “green” (whatever the fuck that means), and that my father is either a bumblebee, or a blueberry.  Naturally, there were the usual death threats and copious ill will…

To be fair, plenty of Malaysians knew that their compatriots simply went on a mental holiday, but they couldn’t publicly attack them lest they get attacked.  I have received plentiful private messages from normal people stating that the angry ones are idiots and that I shouldn’t pay attention to their rabid typing.  However, the angry ones are the entertaining ones, hence this post.

I could talk more and tell the tales, but I think I should let the dolts tell the story.  😉

So, THIS was the original post on Facebook:


As you see, this is nothing bad, just stating the obvious: their minister of tourism is a retard.  He can’t even get offended, because as a retard he shouldn’t be able to read it.  And if he is not a retard, he shouldn’t say stupid shit like “hikers caused the earthquake”.  I feel that this was one of my gentlest and most culturally sensitive posts…

Well, people disagreed.  Check out this lineup.

The Muslim comment was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction, as I have received plentiful death threats from Bruneians and Indonesians in the past.  It turned out that a lot of Malaysian Muslims actually distanced themselves from the deranged and very irritated idiots who worship mountains in Sabah (a very un-Muslim thing to do)..  Anyways, let’s move on.

Within a few hours the post clocked some 30-40 thousand views and several hundred angry comments.  I was to go and fuck myself, I was to run (but not hide) and my family was green.  Also, I was informed of my HIV, and that my head would be non-surgically removed, without consent.

I was intrigued.  That “Jesz Szee” person was sending some very elaborate threats, so I was ready to assume that it was a large, angry man with concrete-crushing forearms and a Hammer of Thor.  So you can imagine my disappointment when I looked up “Jesz Szee’s” Facebook page and found out that he is a boring-looking fella with extremely large incisors and an apparent taste in other men.  Not judging. Just not what I expected from the “Remover of Heads”…

Jesz Szee (left), and Jesz Szee with another man (on right).

Jesz Szee (left), and Jesz Szee with another man (on right).

I thought that I might as well start trolling these people, as they were convinced that I was the man who caused the earthquake anyways. I was surprised at the apparent lack of respect, however. I mean, if I came across a man with the powers to move tectonic plates, I would at the very least be very cautious, but quite possibly offer some blowjobs or something of that sort, just to ensure staying on safe side of things.  Well, soon enough an offer of blowjobs did come in, although I am not sure if the direction was satisfactory.

Then the asshats somehow figured out that I was in Sabah, which was not true at all, as I had not been to Sabah for nearly 10 years, and had left Malaysia well over a month earlier.  But the posts got their own momentum…

You gotta admit, Md Azri’s “Santa will give u more clothes..” is fuckin’ funny!  Then, while I was giggling, this popped up:

Shiiiit…  You know things are getting interesting by the time Facebook is telling me that people are following me. I was a bit uneasy about this whole “following you” thing, because there was waaaay too much head removal and anal sex mentioned in the hours before.  And the number of people “following me” began to move up very fast…

Also, there were hundreds, and eventually thousands of friend requests.  Could this be it?  Were my Tinder and Grindr days over, to be replaced by a perpetual source of easy sex that is Malaysian section of Facebook?

I decided not to indulge, as I was not sure if we were truly compatible.  Especially that they seemed to be much more into S&M, while I am more of a furry…

This “Brian Norman” character grabbed my attention.  No, not because of the horrible spelling (which itself seemed a crime against English, and ought to be an indictable offence), but because he didn’t strike me as a native Malaysian… So I looked him up.

Well, this fella turned out to be a smiley ladyboy with an obvious appreciation for powdered Colombian products.  Clearly a man of superior moral fibre, so I decided to leave him alone.  But there were others and they needed trolling.  I dug up a picture of the naked hikers from Google Image Search, posted it on my Facebook page, tagged two of my Aussie friends who are always up for a laugh, and watched everyone lose their fucking minds…

“James Tee” didn’t strike me as a particularly Malaysian name, but then neither did “Flapjack TheBoatman”…

Kayvern Michael-Saimon was clearly very affected by my supposed involvement in the nudist episode on top of Kinabalu.  I decided to investigate further, because, after all, it is a story of human impact, and every person counts.

Well, it turned out that Kayvern is a climber himself, and has summited Kinabalu, as you can see in the photo where he respectfully throws gang signs from the sacred summit.  He seems to be suffering from a serious lack of logic, which might be particularly undesirable as he works in the aviation industry, and might accidentally fuck up a plane by stepping on the “NO STEP” part of the wing.  I would much rather see naked tourists on sacred mountains than fully clothed retards on airliner wings.

Then there was this fella, trying to share my OBVIOUSLY REAL Facebook details (I am “The Main Dude”!)…  I do however wish I was from Papeete, because that town is AWESOME!  Seriously. Go and visit!

Well, anyways, Paul Sylvester turned out to be perfectly capable of destroying… YOUR EARDRUMS! With killer bass!!!

That photo on the right does seem to show him with a scary “death stare”, but that has less to do with his killer instincts and more to do with his acoutstically traumatized vestibulocochlear nerve. “WHAT?!?! HUH!?!?!  CAN YOU GET THE PHONE!?!?! WHAT’S THAT RINGING???? GET THE FUCKING PHONE, MA!!!”

Well, then the interesting stuff started happening.  A guy named “Jeffrey Kong” decided to start attacking my friends. Now, this man of superior moral fibre goes after a young lady who happens to have a photo of herself on a sailboat, thus not necessarily wearing a burka that Kong thinks every woman should wear, and starts attacking her as a “whore”.


Kong obviously feels strongly about morality and stuff… You know, as a family man himself, who would do anything to defend his wife, kids, or sisters (or whoever they happen to be), he also stands up for that delicate Malaysian culture that must be viciously defended any time some nudists go for a summit romp…  Luckily, neither I, nor my friend have tested positive for givingashititis, so what he perceived as a successful attack did nothing to our self esteems.  But it is quite revealing what people post when they think it is going to be lost in the crowd.

Then I started receiving “sexy” messages.  I probably would’ve gone for Mikhail Carlos R’s idea, but the tubby cook was totally not my type.  I mean… Ok, it is shallow as fuck, but… Come on.  Look at this guy…

Anyways, he proposed some sort of kinky cat-mouse game.

It didn’t go anywhere.  Fucking Facebook, failed again. Well, Tinder it is!

More people sent me photos of the quake victims, calling me a murderer, and one Daniel Chan sent me a hard to understand photographic message featuring a dead man with genitals jammed into his mouth.  I didn’t reply to his gift of snuff porn, but I was happy to see that he is that precious, flickering light of sexual liberation in “Malaysiastan”.

Well.. Then came THIS intellectual powerhouse.  “Lik Tseng Ng” started sending me messages, which I would have responded to as I love engaging my fans, but he was extremely impatient.

So, I thought I would look up this unfortunate fella, and was that ever a fun expedition!  Turns out that for a guy who throughly disapproves of my appreciation of my physique and my nudie photos on mountaintops, he sure as fuck either loves his own extra chromosome face, or his iPhone. Or both.

Furthermore, in addition to loving himself (or his iPhone, or both), he apparently loves “the juice”, which combined with his love of his car, created some serious problems.  Yep.  It turned out that Auckland’s prettiest welfare recipient / mountaintop morality guard lost his driver’s licence for 3 months as a result of drunk driving.

And here is a detail shot of that document… This is great stuff!  But… How the hell will he pick up his welfare checks?  No problem. Mom will drive him!  😉


There seemed to be all kinds of impact on Lik’s life, including confiscations, and excellent trolling by his own friends.

Lik contacted me via Facebook…  Apparently I fucked up the story and it was not good.

I don’t understand where the sudden obsession with “accuracy” comes from…  I mean…  Nobody seemed to care before. Heheheheheh…

To add to the melange of funz, a friend of mine even photoshopped and posted a photo of me, slightly dead.  And these coneheads actually seemed to fall for it!  Look here:

Yep. Fabian Cheng Teck Hau is dead-set on getting his sweet, sweet revenge.  I think he should stick with the sweet, sweet taste of ketayap or bingka ubi, but given his obvious predisposition towards coronary heart disease, fatty-boom-boom would be better-off jogging, or slowly walking, rather than issuing his fatwas.

Anyways…  This went on, and on, and on.. And on.. and on… and on…

As of today (June 24th, 2015), the original Facebook post about the minister of tourism has been served to nearly 654,000 people, and racked up 2,762 comments, and a whopping 1,681 shares.  The “naked hikers on summit” cover photo on my personal Facebook page is now at 5,711 comments, an unprecedented 1,507 “likes” and 1,448 “shares”. THINK OF THE NUMBER OF SURGERIES THAT CAN BE NOW FUNDED WITH THESE LIKES!!!!

Even right after I posted this on facebook.com/monkeetime, some Ralphy Wiggum decided to get all excited about it, and once again is rallying everyone to fuck my mother…

“Peter Sia” has all the learning ability of an onion.  But that is fine, after all, this is where funny shit like this post comes from!  Trudge on, Peter! 加油!And enjoy that free internet!

His replies, however, while superficially sound, and to many of his peers would almost seem ironclad, in reality do not stand up to even smallest amounts of scrutiny.  Not the master debater he thinks he is.

However, he is a man of exquisite tastes in children.  When “Darren Bosworth” had a go at him, this virtuous man of religious morality went into Darren’s Facebook page and pulled up a photo of his daughter, together with a lovely comment.  Have a look here:

Peter Sia has a thing for my mom...

Peter Sia, a former Singapore Airlines flight attendant, has a thing for my mom…

Yes. That’s right.  I just added a guy that hated the post… INTO THE POST!  Mindfuck!  I think this former flight attendant for Singapore Airlines came very close to entering the downward spiral of self loathing and drug addiction, except that his inability to form thoughts probably protected him through this ordeal and he is happily looking at his chubby toes, thinking advanced thoughts such as “where am I food?” and “how I blue?”.

I will not delete these threads because they are fucking amazing, funny, and illustrative of what happens when a country invests more in worship and less in education.

Go, have a gander, browse about, but beware: you will piss the whole day away.  But before you go there, look at this funny news article…

"Dem newspepers. Their laying!!"

“Dem newspepers. Their laying!!”

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