Yesterday (June 26th, 2015) I shared a link. Apparently MONKEETIME.COM has been banned from Malaysia. Armageddon. How the fuck does a blogger go on after losing 0.3% of his fan base?
Well… Malaysia… Relax. Everything is back to normal. You’ve been re-trolled…
For the past few days teams of web-based jihadis (“webhadis”) have been consistently overcommenting on my Facebook wall. It was the usual stuff: “green mother”, “blah blah blau bahjau”, and “murderer!!”. But, predictably enough, the traffic to www.monkeetime.com was dropping off, as is usual in those situations. The pattern is standard: You go to a backward 3rd world country, cause an assquake, people freak out, angry angry angry, “cut his fucking head off!”, then something else rolls by in the news (in this case a gymnast pissing off the pious people of Malaysia with her cameltoe), and then *POOOOF!, traffic is gone…
Several hundred friendly Malaysians have brought that up to me in their comments about my waning relevance (as well as about my ‘greenness’), and I thought… “Hmm… What to do, what to do?”
Well, you get an education so you might as well use it. Having a PhD in Trollolology, I decided to make a fake screen grab, supposedly showing my website being inaccessible in Malaysia. I included some fun tabs near the top, for Monkeetime fans (and enemies) to have a chuckle (or a grand mal). I posted on Monkeetime’s Facebook page, and shared on my own. I made sure to include the website address.
INSTANT HIT!!! The people LOVED IT! There was so much pent up anger and latent sexy thoughts about my arse that this was simply a cherry on top of the fatwa cake. The webhadis have been going all over every single one of my recent posts leaving comments such as “nobody cares, you are not famous, your website is nothing” (well, that, and “bumblebee”, “green”, and “fagit!”) as well as reminding each other to not “make him famous, we destroy him, he never write again, his mother so greeen!”.
The webhadi boycott worked very well. There was a surge of activity. Small parties have spontaneously erupted. People were celebrating the destruction of Monkeetime. It was joy, it was love, it was magic. People wrote to me to express their happiness:
I thought these two comments were particularly fitting for the next part of this story…
Well, this is what happened: An hour later, the Facebook post was served to nearly 2000 people. Not even 24 hours later, over 44 THOUSAND had seen it. I included a link to www.monkeetime.com because while curiosity may have killed the cat, his bi-curiousity made the cat go to places he would never admit. This resulted in my website experiencing a sudden surge of activity. How much? Well, today alone there have been already over 10,000 visitors. Some traffic is coming directly from Facebook, while other clicks are being shared by people via other avenues which are hard to track, but who gives a shit! Clickety click click clik!!!!
Here are some stats from the Monkeetime website admin page:
And here is a visual representation of how the webhadis “ruined my website”:
To allow the webhadis to understand what happened, I used Google Translate:
“U BIN TROLD. LIK, DAT POST WNT EVEN REEL. I MAKED IT. N U CELEBRITED, N KLIKED N KLIKED N KLIKED N HELPD GET TRAFIK. MACAU HI JOE. WAT COLOR R UR MOM?”
[NOTE: The “Google Translate” thing is a joke. Do not get all fired up and try to shut down Google. Or.. fuck it.. DO IT! It will be funny!]
So… Don’t worry. Things in Malaysia are still precisely as they should be: corrupt politicians are still doing their corrupt politician thing, people still worry about insignificant shit like buttcheeks on mountaintops and cameltoes on gymnasts, and MONKEETIME.COM is still available for your viewing pleasure. BUT PLEASE… Do exercise caution. You might inadvertently learn something.
If you would like to learn HOW TO INCREASE TRAFFIC TO YOUR WEBSITE, please send me a private message on Facebook.
So long, and thanks for all the clicks.
And now, please enjoy this video of me disrespecting a mountain and ruining some country’s cultural heritage.